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Ask Bon Journal: Help! Love emergency
As editor of Bon Journal, I receive a lot of e-mails. For awhile, I copied and edited them in the comments section of analyticalQ, that is, until April 2003. I might start it up again.
Here's an interesting one that requires some thought. It was sent to analyticalQ for analysis.
I will put my answer in a subsequent entry, but perhaps my readers will have other ideas. Suggestions are most welcome.
The original question used F, M2, M1, F2 as characters concerned. I decided to substitute fictional names for ease of reading.
Faye and Mike have been involved in a relationship for about 10 years (long-distance for the last seven or eight years).
It was not until meeting an old flame Bill the first time in more than 20 years did Faye realized that there can be a person who resonates so strongly with her soul. Bill believes he and Faye are the couple "made in heaven" thirty years ago and lost in the jungle of the earth (just like the 1987 movie "Made in Heaven" by Timothy Hutton and Kelly McGillis).
Bill believes that couples who do not get married means that they don't believe their relationship to be a perfect match.
Faye is afraid of moving a step forward to "reunite" with Bill. She feels guilty if she abandons Mike after having him wait for so long. More importantly, she has lost her confidence about herself. She is not sure whether she can commit to any relationship if she breaks up with Mike. Once she has doubts about herself, she also has doubts about Bill. What's more damaging is her doubts about Bill's confidence in her.
Faye is confused but there is no pressure on her to make any decision. Although her temporary solution is to make no decision, she secretly hopes that there suddenly comes a magical Future Female who attracts Mike so much that Mike breaks away from Faye. In that case, Faye will feel less guilty because it is Mike rather than Faye who first proposes to end their relationship.
Without such a magical Future Female, the solution will naturally emerge when either Bill or Mike gives up, i.e. loses interest in Faye. [And Faye is afraid she'll end up with no one.] As of now, however, there is little sign that either of the two will quit. Retrospectively from some point of time in the future, however, at least one of them is wasting their life (waiting for her). At the moment, Bill believes that Faye will be wasting her life if she settles with Mike. He guesses that Mike thinks the opposite.
Questions:
First:
How can Bill convince Faye that she shouldn't feel guilty breaking away
from Mike? How can he convince Faye that she is really doing harm to Mike
if she keeps her relationship with Mike while she wants to be with Bill?
Are there good examples Bill can use to persuade Faye?
A not-so-good example is the story about John Lennon and Yoko Ono. John fell for Yoko and abandoned his wife Cynthia and son Julian. Was it good for the world?
Second:
Is engineering a magical Future Female (for Mike) the best solution for
Bill ?
What else can Bill do?
PS: It is an emergency because Bill runs the risks of burning out if the war continues.
27 June 2004 Sunday
Related links:
Yuan fen: unanswered vs unrequited love
Immortalising the optimal state
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