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What's cooking in Anne's kitchen on 5th June - 8 pm
This page came up number one on page 24 of search for "reasons for rejection" on 25 June 2004. Let's see how far up it will go over time.

Bon Journal

Reasons for rejection

In my end of May journal entries on rejection, I ignored discussing reasons for rejection and jumped right into closure. Since my readers reacted strongly against this, I will now attempt to speculate possible reasons for rejection.

Meeting someone else in the middle of a relationship may give you reason to reject the one you're with. You would have to be very attracted to the new person and very convinced that you don't want to be with the one you've been with. After all, "it's sad to belong to someone else when the right one comes along," but how do you know who is the right one? And you'd have to be convinced that you're rejecting the wrong one for the right one. If you don't tell the rejected why, he or she will always guess and possibly not let go until you do.

The first mover advantage --- the best defense is a good offense --- be the first to reject, to avoid being rejected. It's similar to buying low and selling before the peak. You never know when the peak of a relationship is, and you don't want to find out. So reject first. Although it is a very cowardly way to approach relationships, rejecters do this out of fear. "The coward dies a thousand deaths, the brave only once."

One self-help relationships website advises against dumping someone on the phone or even in an e-mail. It's too impersonal. Again, the rejecter may choose to do this because he is too scared to confront face to face --- or possibly too afraid that he won't be able to do it, because of his attraction to her. Some guys are worried that they confuse lust with love and that their hormones can't handle the face-to-face confrontation.

Writing a letter, however, is an age-old practice. Such so-called "Dear John" letters should be clear, firm, and to the point. The recipient will read it over and over again, like a mantra, until she is satisfied and convinced that there is no hope. If you don't know how to compose such a letter, just search on the Internet for "Dear John" songs, and you'll get the famous one sung by Pat Boone, and others by Styx, Elton John, Whitney Houston, and even Cyndi Lauper! "Dear John ... that my love for you has gone...."

What are acceptable reasons for rejection then? If you're not sure why you're rejecting the person, then select one of the following. Be prepared for a retaliation.

1- I don't love you anymore. Why not? Because I just don't. I thought it was love, but I know now that it isn't. So what if it isn't love? It's too early to tell. I love someone else. I want to be available if and when someone I might love comes along.

2- I never wanted you in the first place. So why did you lead me on? I was confused. But at some point, I got sick. I threw up and realised that you were the wrong one.

3- I can't be involved with you because you're not my type. But we had such a good time together --- every single time. We have so many common interests. We relate so well. How could I not be your type? Here's where you list the reasons why: I don't want to speak in my second language, it's tedious. You're too persistent, and I get tired of you.

4- I'm still not quite over my previous relationship. So I don't want to get involved with you. Then I'll wait. [This is a bad reason. You won't win.]

5- I don't deserve you. There's more to me than meets the eye. [Forget this. You are just inviting attention and pursuit.]

If my readers can think of other legitimate reasons for rejection in which the "dumpee" will quickly and easily accept and leave the rejecter alone, please contact me. I would like to move on, from rejection to more interesting and more optimistic topics, like "intercultural romance", "long distance relationships", "courtship", "the art of flirting", and "love like you've never been hurt."

5 June 2004 Saturday

Related entries & links:
Dealing with rejection
Readers react to rejection
How it feels to reject
Fear of commitment
Dumping - self-help advice for dumping and the dumped
Le Bon Journal newsletter, vol 1 issue 2: "Love Like you've never been hurt"
Le Bon Journal ezine, issue 2: "Love is actually all around the world"
Top 10 reasons for rejection
How men and women dish out rejection
How I would like to do what Harry did in the movie "Something's Gotta Give." He went through his address books and searched for old girlfriends, confronting them, no matter how awkward or difficult, asking what kind of person he was, whether he hurt them in the past.
He did this to seek closure in his old age. If he had ended each relationship well, then there would be no need to seek closure years later. He would have saved a lot of time, angst, and money.
Even with the Internet, it is very difficult to find old flames. And when you do, who is to say your old flame will respond?
If you are a rejecter, you have to make sure the one you reject accept the rejection and that there is closure in the relationship. Otherwise, it will hang like a noose around your neck.
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Anne Ku at Ilp in May 2001
Anne Ku

writes about her travels, conversations, thoughts, events, music, and anything else that is interesting enough to fill a web page.
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