A future yet untold
Conflict avoidance --- that was her motto. She never retaliated or argued. She simply said yes to whatever he demanded.
But her behaviour told a different story. When he told her no, her body still operated in yes mode. When he emphasized it was not to be, her voice gave her true feelings away.
She did not know why he continuously rejected her. Did he not like her? Then why not cut off all contact? Did he find her repulsive? Then why did he compliment her at all? He was so inconsistent.
When they did see each other, it was like heaven. It was intense. It was intimate. Then something happened. And they stopped seeing each other, just like that.
That is, they weren't meeting up anymore. But they maintained contact in different ways, through what they wrote in their published writings, the critiques, the reviews, and through curt but polite e-mails.
She felt the dulling sensation of that throbbing pain, the ache in her fragile heart. He had pierced it so many times already. With each rejection, her heart bled a little --- until it got used to the bleeding.
As she nursed her pain, vowing to be silent, not to contact him at all as he had requested, she felt the pain grow. She became numb and dumb. She allowed herself to feel the pain to its full extent, meditating in it to remember never to get hurt again.
By being her true self, genuine, honest, sincere, kind, warm, loving --- she became vulnerable to love. The only way forward was to be the opposite of who she was. That is, if she wanted to protect herself from getting hurt again. But how could she try to be someone she was not?
27 August 2004 Friday